hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
