Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
