I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
