So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
