someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
