She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
