i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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