I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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