She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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