Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
