If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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