the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize