that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
