then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
