Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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