it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize