Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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