Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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