He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
