He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
