Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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