she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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