I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
