i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
