WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
