No, drunk sperm still make babies.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
