mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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