mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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