How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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