i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
