the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
