chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
