there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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