If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
