and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
