ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
