i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
