Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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