and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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