if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
