i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
