I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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