So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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