I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
