I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
