i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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