im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
