I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i believe in u and ur pee
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
