I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
