im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
