Can i not drive my cunt home
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
