Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Is it penis luge time yet?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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