i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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