no, he came in my armpit
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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