Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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