I just pynch a tree in the face
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was born a porn star she said
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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