Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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