Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
