My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You left your phone here
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