and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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