I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
