You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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