I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
