i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize