I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Girls should come with a carfax report
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
