i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
