apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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