I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
